LOL i laughed hard then i should have at “you hit a car” “NO! NO GOD NO!” *dies* i had to pause the review for a minute to recover. god… that was beautiful XDDD
the shaky cam thing you did at the end made me sick. it was like watching cloverfeild all over again. i can’t stand shaky cam movies…
I usually wait to comment on TGWTG, but this movie was so bad I needed to just say this here:
What the hell?
No, seriously. This movie looks like it was some college/high school film class (that probably would have gotten less than an F) project, and it was actually released?
I am pretty sure this movie is the worst piece of crap you’ve ever reviewed, yikes.
I can’t help but agree. I didn’t think it couldn’t get any lower than Thankskilling and its “Turkey anal rape” scene, but somehow they’ve done it.
And I do love how as a final slap in the face (or more accurately, a bunch of five across the eyes, dur hur. Heh, that pun was still more entertaining than this movie), after trying desperately to be gritty and realistic (making the camera shake in all directions and go out of focus for absolutely no reason is realistic, right? Right?), it ends with a joke. As if the movie wasn’t enough of a joke by itself.
And what is up with the shit throwing scene?! No seriously, what does that achieve?!
That was exactly what I was thinking! I do better camera work videotaping my family opening Christmas gifts. May not be totally suspenseful, but you at least know what you’re looking at the whole time. If I had just done it in a car I could’ve gotten a release!
That movie looks excruciating. They weren’t even making bad decisions instead of good ones – every decision was wtf! Super appropriate end credit music too…
I think I could watch a feature-length of Phelous in the car. It was well-acted *and* entertaining! 😀
The fact this thing… has an official release really blows my mind. I guess I could just go to a vehicle with 3 mini dv cams and shoot some incoherent whining and get one too.
And if it doesn’t sell, you could always do what snobish directors always do: claim that thos who criticize your work simply aren’t open-minded or intelligent enough to understand your vision.
But seriously Phelous, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you have much better writing, directing and special effects skills than most of the people who made the movies you review, so I could definitely see you make a good feature-length movie and have it released. I bet it’d be sucessful.
Gods, I remember this one… I rented it as a freebie when it first came out… I was enjoying a weekend to myself, and I honestly had trouble enjoying the rest of the weekend because I actually sat through the whole thing, refusing to just fast forward…
What made it worse was that I read a number of reviews before it came out that claimed it to be ‘brilliant’… The entire gimmick of the camera never leaving the van is just… wow. I’ve seen some stupid ‘artistic’ choices in my time, but I think this takes the cake. And the gimmick that renders the film unwatchable is just the beginning of its problems.
Before this, I used to think that Cabin Fever was the hardest time I ever had sitting through a film. Damn… Even the SNES-style ending music hurt.
Good job on this one, Phelous, but I don’t think there’s any way you could make this watchable. I barely made it through this thing ONCE, for crying out loud!
I thought it couldn’t get any worse then Turkey handpuppet beastiality horror movie shitathon, but no, this movie, released in 2008, took the rohypnol filled, shit sandwich which is the most horrendous movie of the era of movies, but still Phelous, why do you torture yourself for our amusement?
No, I don’t believe this is a real movie. I don’t care, wheather it’s a fact or not, I do and will not believe it.
You or somebody else made this up, to have a really dumb thing to review.
Dude, the Dr. Who theme is at its best iteration in this review! Any idea where I can find an MP3 of it?
As for the movie……SHIT, GOD, SHIT, OW RIGHT IN THE FACE, SHIT, STOP TALKING, *bonk* ow by doze!, this looks like concrete, sped up rape horn, OH SHIT ITS IN MY EYES, bandaids fix shotgun wounds, DADADADA, star wars music “Yes Ator, I know the secrets of the gods”, the end.
Your skit was infinitely more tolerable than the movie, mostly because its impossible to talk over yourself.
This movie, film, or whatever it is makes The Room look like a good movie. I had to get out of full screen to give my head a rest from the crappy camera work. I’ve seen compact digital cameras with better video quality!
Warning that should be played before the copyright screen:
WARNING!!! Motion Sickness Medicine should be administered before attempting to view this piece of crap!
i’m convinced this was some sort of student film or local kids making their own movie. I looked on IMDB and it said it was a budget of $4000.. Lets see. A few hundred for at least 1 camera and DVDs or film. Gas money for all the driving. 5 girls 1 woman.. plus small crew.
My guess it was some idiot teen/early 20s kid who watches movies a lot decided “Hey i can do that..” and wrote a script inside of an hour or two. Then got friends/locals to be in it.
No studio would make this on their own. Hell even the Asylum has better writting than this. This was a student film that some kid lost money on and needed money so he sold it completely finished to a studio for a few hundred to try and recoup his losses. The sutdio then produces it and sells it to suckers (like Phealus) who watch this abomination after shelling out money to buy or see it. The studio quickly makes massive amounts of profit due to the low cost of obtaining the film.
Thus the cost to profit ratio makes this a highly successful movie… sadly this can mean only one thing… SEQUEL!!!
I wanted to shut the review off withing the first couple of minutes, but I felt that I should suffer even through the parts that you put in, Phelous, just because that must have been so painful to watch it fully through.
What…WHAT IS THIS??? I don’t get it. My mind is
muddled… I’ve lost all hope in humanity and am spiraling into
nihilistic despair… I’m entering a Silent Hillish nightmare world from
which there is no escape… I–WAIT…HOLD THE PHONE… I just realized
something — WHEN YOU GET KILLED, YOU’RE DEAD…When you get killed,
you’re dead??…When you get killed, you’re dead!!!…I understand
now!…It all makes sense!!!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA AHA AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! Wait–who are those men in white
coats?…where are they taking me??…. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT
AGAIN!!!!! CURSE YOU PHELOUS AND YOU’RE INSANITY INDUCING
MOVIESSSSS!!!……..
Phelous good review as always and I could really tell you were trying to put some energy in this movie. IT looks boring and you look bored the whole time. Did you have to snort a bunch of cocaine to stay awake. Normally I would not condone drug use but in your case and in the shit you have to watch. Its ok Phelous Its ok. Get stoned as drunk as possible to forget this horrible thing. Fuck watching people die at nursing homes has to be more detrimental for you than the movies you review.
But I thank you for watching this shit for me. I know I shouldn’t be making suggestions on here. But Give the Movie Hangman’s Curse a try its too horrible for words to even describe.
Okay, so since this movie is literally nothing, I refuse to have an opinion about it to save my heart from the trauma.
Instead I will just comment that your subversion of the Doctor Who line was brilliant, I loved it. Kinda glad you went with Three, cause I was one of those sappy unmanly people who sobbed at that awful audience-manipulating line. (Goddamnit, Davies, you knew we would cry, you puppetmaster!)
Holy Shit! This movie was filmed really close to my home! Of course, any jackass could film this in their backyard. Actually, I think Evil Dead was filmed there too… Who in the hell would think to shit in their hand to use as a weapon against a pursing vehicle? They must be UT girls…
Stupid insane lady, she should’ve killed those stupid crying girls with no sense of direction and save us from this garbage so called ”movie”…my God…how can someone create something like that piece of shit?! A fuckin’ retarded child with a camera can think of something more useful or even less painful than that.
Phelous…you’re a brave man, lol…be able to watch that shitty movie and still survive to review it., brave man, brave man indeed, lol.
Wow that movie movie was so bad it made you’re review unpleasent to watch. Im not saying that as a dis man, it was not your fault this was just painful to watch.
Fucking awesome Phelous! You used the 11th doctor style theme intro! What are youre thoughts on the christmas special and trailer for season 6? Oh and as always great vid!
I can officialy never get that shot of shit hitting the windsheild out of my head. If that doesn’t sum up this garbage, I don’t know what else does…oh wait, I know. The friggen whining and crying.
I never thought something so horribuf*ckus could exist. But to my surprise…it does….
I think this movie more than any other before it proves that Phelous suffers for us all. I can’t even call this a movie, it’s like a high school film project gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m glad you survived this Phelous, whatever comes next can’t be as bad as this crap!
Did you actually film yourself watching it the first time or was that scripted in? I think it would be fun (for us) to see your reactions to watching these horrible films for the first time. AU NATURALE.
somebody gave this movie, HA “MOVIE”. 4/5 stars.
he said that it’s extremely suspenseful, that making a movie on so low budget (probably just gas money and coffee, is what he says) just makes it that much better, that it’s pure and raw due to the claustrophobic videography, and finally the fact that it’s not full of glorified gore is just awesome.
he even compares having the gore off screen to the original texas chainsaw massacre. HOLY HELL!!!
I can’t see anybody thinking that way about this film EVER.
I could probably word this better in a spoken conversation but this should probably get the point across.
Also I love the ending skit more than the actual review lol. And …this movie has an annoying theme song. Sounds like it belongs in a cartoon not a slasher movie.
When you said the girl shit in her hand to throw at the other car i thought you were joking. But once that fact was proven i actually jumped to the illogical conclusion that since this film’s budget was apparently so low, that they must have used their actual shit. Most people including myself wouldnt ever assume something like that… But somehow after looking at the quality of the movie i just sort of accepted that somehow, for a moment, without even a second thought. Like ” oh yeah fake shit is probably way out of their budget”
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1:41 your expression can be explained with this simple emote: ]:< because i took a screen cap, put it on MS paint, to see if it was the emote. yes. yes it was. here's a picture of it 😀 http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y102/Moon_the_blue_neko/emotphelouslolll.png (doing this makes me creepy. lol =w=)
LOL i laughed hard then i should have at “you hit a car” “NO! NO GOD NO!” *dies* i had to pause the review for a minute to recover. god… that was beautiful XDDD
the shaky cam thing you did at the end made me sick. it was like watching cloverfeild all over again. i can’t stand shaky cam movies…
LOL, STALKER!!! j/k 😛 XD
Haha glad I matched that so well.
I usually wait to comment on TGWTG, but this movie was so bad I needed to just say this here:
What the hell?
No, seriously. This movie looks like it was some college/high school film class (that probably would have gotten less than an F) project, and it was actually released?
I am pretty sure this movie is the worst piece of crap you’ve ever reviewed, yikes.
I can’t help but agree. I didn’t think it couldn’t get any lower than Thankskilling and its “Turkey anal rape” scene, but somehow they’ve done it.
And I do love how as a final slap in the face (or more accurately, a bunch of five across the eyes, dur hur. Heh, that pun was still more entertaining than this movie), after trying desperately to be gritty and realistic (making the camera shake in all directions and go out of focus for absolutely no reason is realistic, right? Right?), it ends with a joke. As if the movie wasn’t enough of a joke by itself.
And what is up with the shit throwing scene?! No seriously, what does that achieve?!
That was exactly what I was thinking! I do better camera work videotaping my family opening Christmas gifts. May not be totally suspenseful, but you at least know what you’re looking at the whole time. If I had just done it in a car I could’ve gotten a release!
That movie looks excruciating. They weren’t even making bad decisions instead of good ones – every decision was wtf! Super appropriate end credit music too…
I think I could watch a feature-length of Phelous in the car. It was well-acted *and* entertaining! 😀
The fact this thing… has an official release really blows my mind. I guess I could just go to a vehicle with 3 mini dv cams and shoot some incoherent whining and get one too.
And if it doesn’t sell, you could always do what snobish directors always do: claim that thos who criticize your work simply aren’t open-minded or intelligent enough to understand your vision.
But seriously Phelous, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you have much better writing, directing and special effects skills than most of the people who made the movies you review, so I could definitely see you make a good feature-length movie and have it released. I bet it’d be sucessful.
After I saw After Last Season had an official release, I believe that anything can get one.
Woah cool.
Didn’t know you were a phelous phan Quetza. :3
Gods, I remember this one… I rented it as a freebie when it first came out… I was enjoying a weekend to myself, and I honestly had trouble enjoying the rest of the weekend because I actually sat through the whole thing, refusing to just fast forward…
What made it worse was that I read a number of reviews before it came out that claimed it to be ‘brilliant’… The entire gimmick of the camera never leaving the van is just… wow. I’ve seen some stupid ‘artistic’ choices in my time, but I think this takes the cake. And the gimmick that renders the film unwatchable is just the beginning of its problems.
Before this, I used to think that Cabin Fever was the hardest time I ever had sitting through a film. Damn… Even the SNES-style ending music hurt.
Good job on this one, Phelous, but I don’t think there’s any way you could make this watchable. I barely made it through this thing ONCE, for crying out loud!
I thought it couldn’t get any worse then Turkey handpuppet beastiality horror movie shitathon, but no, this movie, released in 2008, took the rohypnol filled, shit sandwich which is the most horrendous movie of the era of movies, but still Phelous, why do you torture yourself for our amusement?
No, I don’t believe this is a real movie. I don’t care, wheather it’s a fact or not, I do and will not believe it.
You or somebody else made this up, to have a really dumb thing to review.
I wish you were right. Then I wouldn’t have really watched it.
Ohhhhh, I get it! 5 accross the eyes, slap in the face, this movie Is a slap in the face! It was a joke! Brilliant movie! Can’t wait for the sequel.
Dude, the Dr. Who theme is at its best iteration in this review! Any idea where I can find an MP3 of it?
As for the movie……SHIT, GOD, SHIT, OW RIGHT IN THE FACE, SHIT, STOP TALKING, *bonk* ow by doze!, this looks like concrete, sped up rape horn, OH SHIT ITS IN MY EYES, bandaids fix shotgun wounds, DADADADA, star wars music “Yes Ator, I know the secrets of the gods”, the end.
Your skit was infinitely more tolerable than the movie, mostly because its impossible to talk over yourself.
This movie, film, or whatever it is makes The Room look like a good movie. I had to get out of full screen to give my head a rest from the crappy camera work. I’ve seen compact digital cameras with better video quality!
Warning that should be played before the copyright screen:
WARNING!!! Motion Sickness Medicine should be administered before attempting to view this piece of crap!
You know this film was featured at fantasticfest. Spill.com talks about it a lot. very funny end of the review too!
i’m convinced this was some sort of student film or local kids making their own movie. I looked on IMDB and it said it was a budget of $4000.. Lets see. A few hundred for at least 1 camera and DVDs or film. Gas money for all the driving. 5 girls 1 woman.. plus small crew.
My guess it was some idiot teen/early 20s kid who watches movies a lot decided “Hey i can do that..” and wrote a script inside of an hour or two. Then got friends/locals to be in it.
No studio would make this on their own. Hell even the Asylum has better writting than this. This was a student film that some kid lost money on and needed money so he sold it completely finished to a studio for a few hundred to try and recoup his losses. The sutdio then produces it and sells it to suckers (like Phealus) who watch this abomination after shelling out money to buy or see it. The studio quickly makes massive amounts of profit due to the low cost of obtaining the film.
Thus the cost to profit ratio makes this a highly successful movie… sadly this can mean only one thing… SEQUEL!!!
The fact this thing had a budget is sad.
GOOD Review,………bytheway i found a HILARUTASIC Interview with the Culprits,…. dee errr i mean Makers
Interviewer:”Do you feel that the low budget forced you to explore ideas that you wouldn’t perhaps previously have considered?” —–> Ryan Thiessen:”Absolutely” URL here : http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/40451/greg_swinson_and_ryan_thiessen_on_five_across_the_eyes.html
I wanted to shut the review off withing the first couple of minutes, but I felt that I should suffer even through the parts that you put in, Phelous, just because that must have been so painful to watch it fully through.
What…WHAT IS THIS??? I don’t get it. My mind is
muddled… I’ve lost all hope in humanity and am spiraling into
nihilistic despair… I’m entering a Silent Hillish nightmare world from
which there is no escape… I–WAIT…HOLD THE PHONE… I just realized
something — WHEN YOU GET KILLED, YOU’RE DEAD…When you get killed,
you’re dead??…When you get killed, you’re dead!!!…I understand
now!…It all makes sense!!!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA AHA AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! Wait–who are those men in white
coats?…where are they taking me??…. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT
AGAIN!!!!! CURSE YOU PHELOUS AND YOU’RE INSANITY INDUCING
MOVIESSSSS!!!……..
Phelous I bet you miss reviewing Pulse films now don’t you.
Yeah… kinda do after this one.
Maybe if everyone in the world denies its existence enough, it will disappear?
….yeah im rooting for the crazy woman.hope she kills them all then herself
Great review Phelous, you are probably my favorite of TGWTG.
I just realized that you didn’t die once again, are you even real Phelous anymore?
Phelous good review as always and I could really tell you were trying to put some energy in this movie. IT looks boring and you look bored the whole time. Did you have to snort a bunch of cocaine to stay awake. Normally I would not condone drug use but in your case and in the shit you have to watch. Its ok Phelous Its ok. Get stoned as drunk as possible to forget this horrible thing. Fuck watching people die at nursing homes has to be more detrimental for you than the movies you review.
But I thank you for watching this shit for me. I know I shouldn’t be making suggestions on here. But Give the Movie Hangman’s Curse a try its too horrible for words to even describe.
Okay, so since this movie is literally nothing, I refuse to have an opinion about it to save my heart from the trauma.
Instead I will just comment that your subversion of the Doctor Who line was brilliant, I loved it. Kinda glad you went with Three, cause I was one of those sappy unmanly people who sobbed at that awful audience-manipulating line. (Goddamnit, Davies, you knew we would cry, you puppetmaster!)
Holy Shit! This movie was filmed really close to my home! Of course, any jackass could film this in their backyard. Actually, I think Evil Dead was filmed there too… Who in the hell would think to shit in their hand to use as a weapon against a pursing vehicle? They must be UT girls…
wow what a horrific joke of a movie. Exactly how was this released? How was it even distributed? Or…funded.
yo
Yoyo!
Stupid insane lady, she should’ve killed those stupid crying girls with no sense of direction and save us from this garbage so called ”movie”…my God…how can someone create something like that piece of shit?! A fuckin’ retarded child with a camera can think of something more useful or even less painful than that.
Phelous…you’re a brave man, lol…be able to watch that shitty movie and still survive to review it., brave man, brave man indeed, lol.
Awesome review, as always!! I love your videos!!
Wow that movie movie was so bad it made you’re review unpleasent to watch. Im not saying that as a dis man, it was not your fault this was just painful to watch.
Oh I know it was painful… I wasn’t lying about it giving me a headache with the shaky cam and cry/whine combo through the whole damn run time.
Fucking awesome Phelous! You used the 11th doctor style theme intro! What are youre thoughts on the christmas special and trailer for season 6? Oh and as always great vid!
To qoute Rita Repulsa: “I have a headache!”.
Are there MP3s of your Opening/Ending themes?
I can officialy never get that shot of shit hitting the windsheild out of my head. If that doesn’t sum up this garbage, I don’t know what else does…oh wait, I know. The friggen whining and crying.
I never thought something so horribuf*ckus could exist. But to my surprise…it does….
I think this movie more than any other before it proves that Phelous suffers for us all. I can’t even call this a movie, it’s like a high school film project gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m glad you survived this Phelous, whatever comes next can’t be as bad as this crap!
This is what i think of this piece of… Unspeakable Horror
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ESTRqS4jNM
(The *Cough*Movie*Cough* of course, not the review)
Did you actually film yourself watching it the first time or was that scripted in? I think it would be fun (for us) to see your reactions to watching these horrible films for the first time. AU NATURALE.
…naked?
I filmed that very soon after watching it the 1st time so the reaction was very close to what I did after finishing it.
Best. Skit. Ever.
My thoughts when they keep talking (espectially @ 2:21-2:36):
Sumed up by George Carlin
somebody gave this movie, HA “MOVIE”. 4/5 stars.
he said that it’s extremely suspenseful, that making a movie on so low budget (probably just gas money and coffee, is what he says) just makes it that much better, that it’s pure and raw due to the claustrophobic videography, and finally the fact that it’s not full of glorified gore is just awesome.
he even compares having the gore off screen to the original texas chainsaw massacre. HOLY HELL!!!
I can’t see anybody thinking that way about this film EVER.
I could probably word this better in a spoken conversation but this should probably get the point across.
Well, sounds like that person has lost all credibility in reviewing films. (Unless he or she is joking and being sarcastic)
wow what a lame movie only enteramnet i got out of it was your reecament of the film that was so funny i couldnt stop luafing
This looks like it could be “Driving Around at Night: The Movie 2”.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/entries/icons/original/000/001/593/peopledie.jpg?1261770757
Also I love the ending skit more than the actual review lol. And …this movie has an annoying theme song. Sounds like it belongs in a cartoon not a slasher movie.
EEEEEEICH! I’M GOING THE WRONG WAY AGAIN!
No gps could have saved them. What a shame, j/k.
I almost forgot how annoying this movie was.
Love how you recap the whole movie in 1 minute using the Teen Girl Squad voice. XD
Comment fail! =D
I was trying to post this picture.
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/001/593/peopledie.jpg
When you said the girl shit in her hand to throw at the other car i thought you were joking. But once that fact was proven i actually jumped to the illogical conclusion that since this film’s budget was apparently so low, that they must have used their actual shit. Most people including myself wouldnt ever assume something like that… But somehow after looking at the quality of the movie i just sort of accepted that somehow, for a moment, without even a second thought. Like ” oh yeah fake shit is probably way out of their budget”
Holy crap…just watching the clips in the review gave me a headache.
How did you manage to watch the whole movie without suffering a massive brain hemorrhage?