59 Comments

  • thetidebreaks
    thetidebreaks
    Old Man
    Comments: 1

    I usually wait to comment on TGWTG, but this movie was so bad I needed to just say this here:

    What the hell?

    No, seriously. This movie looks like it was some college/high school film class (that probably would have gotten less than an F) project, and it was actually released?

    I am pretty sure this movie is the worst piece of crap you’ve ever reviewed, yikes.

    • SsnakeBite
      SsnakeBite
      CUUUUT
      Comments: 76

      I can’t help but agree. I didn’t think it couldn’t get any lower than Thankskilling and its “Turkey anal rape” scene, but somehow they’ve done it.

       

      And I do love how as a final slap in the face (or more accurately, a bunch of five across the eyes, dur hur. Heh, that pun was still more entertaining than this movie), after trying desperately to be gritty and realistic (making the camera shake in all directions and go out of focus for absolutely no reason is realistic, right? Right?), it ends with a joke. As if the movie wasn’t enough of a joke by itself.

       

      And what is up with the shit throwing scene?! No seriously, what does that achieve?!

    • RedSarah
      RedSarah
      Fighting Steffi Love
      Comments: 171

      That was exactly what I was thinking! I do better camera work videotaping my family opening Christmas gifts. May not be totally suspenseful, but you at least know what you’re looking at the whole time. If I had just done it in a car I could’ve gotten a release!

      That movie looks excruciating. They weren’t even making bad decisions instead of good ones – every decision was wtf! Super appropriate end credit music too…

      I think I could watch a feature-length of Phelous in the car. It was well-acted *and* entertaining! 😀

    • Phelous
      Phelous
      Administrator
      Comments: 618

      The fact this thing… has an official release really blows my mind. I guess I could just go to a vehicle with 3 mini dv cams and shoot some incoherent whining and get one too.

      • SsnakeBite
        SsnakeBite
        CUUUUT
        Comments: 76

        And if it doesn’t sell, you could always do what snobish directors always do: claim that thos who criticize your work simply aren’t open-minded or intelligent enough to understand your vision.

         

        But seriously Phelous, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you have much better writing, directing and special effects skills than most of the people who made the movies you review, so I could definitely see you make a good feature-length movie and have it released. I bet it’d be sucessful.

      • QuetzaDrake
        QuetzaDrake
        A Real Turtles Fighter
        Comments: 38

        After I saw After Last Season had an official release, I believe that anything can get one.

  • Literate Dead
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 13

    Gods, I remember this one… I rented it as a freebie when it first came out… I was enjoying a weekend to myself, and I honestly had trouble enjoying the rest of the weekend because I actually sat through the whole thing, refusing to just fast forward…

     

    What made it worse was that I read a number of reviews before it came out that claimed it to be ‘brilliant’… The entire gimmick of the camera never leaving the van is just… wow. I’ve seen some stupid ‘artistic’ choices in my time, but I think this takes the cake. And the gimmick that renders the film unwatchable is just the beginning of its problems.

     

    Before this, I used to think that Cabin Fever was the hardest time I ever had sitting through a film. Damn… Even the SNES-style ending music hurt.

     

    Good job on this one, Phelous, but I don’t think there’s any way you could make this watchable. I barely made it through this thing ONCE, for crying out loud!

  • mimefan
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 7

    I thought it couldn’t get any worse then Turkey handpuppet beastiality horror movie shitathon, but no, this movie, released in 2008, took the rohypnol filled, shit sandwich which is the most horrendous movie of the era of movies, but still Phelous, why do you torture yourself for our amusement?

  • Drano
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 14

    No, I don’t believe this is a real movie. I don’t care, wheather it’s a fact or not, I do and will not believe it.
    You or somebody else made this up, to have a really dumb thing to review.

  • Limpyleg
    Limpyleg
    Old Man
    Comments: 2

    Ohhhhh, I get it!  5 accross the eyes, slap in the face, this movie Is a slap in the face!  It was a joke!  Brilliant movie!  Can’t wait for the sequel.

  • Desicas
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 17

    Dude, the Dr. Who theme is at its best iteration in this review!  Any idea where I can find an MP3 of it?

     

    As for the movie……SHIT, GOD, SHIT, OW RIGHT IN THE FACE, SHIT, STOP TALKING, *bonk* ow by doze!, this looks like concrete, sped up rape horn, OH SHIT ITS IN MY EYES, bandaids fix shotgun wounds, DADADADA, star wars music “Yes Ator, I know the secrets of the gods”, the end.

    Your skit was infinitely more tolerable than the movie, mostly because its impossible to talk over yourself.

  • TheFreeman
    TheFreeman
    Old Man
    Comments: 4

    This movie, film, or whatever it is makes The Room look like a good movie. I had to get out of full screen to give my head a rest from the crappy camera work. I’ve seen compact digital cameras with better video quality!

    Warning that should be played before the copyright screen:

    WARNING!!! Motion Sickness Medicine should be administered before attempting to view this piece of crap!

  • Shamussss
    Shamussss
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 5

    You know this film was featured at fantasticfest.  Spill.com talks about it a lot.  very funny end of the review too!

  • Rattrap007
    Rattrap007
    Old Man
    Comments: 2

    i’m convinced this was some sort of student film or local kids making their own movie. I looked on IMDB and it said it was a budget of $4000.. Lets see. A few hundred for at least 1 camera and DVDs or film. Gas money for all the driving. 5 girls 1 woman.. plus small crew.

     

    My guess it was some idiot teen/early 20s kid who watches movies a lot decided “Hey i can do that..” and wrote a script inside of an hour or two. Then got friends/locals to be in it.

     

    No studio would make this on their own. Hell even the Asylum has better writting than this. This was a student film that some kid lost money on and needed money so he sold it completely finished to a studio for a few hundred to try and recoup his losses. The sutdio then produces it and sells it to suckers (like Phealus) who watch this abomination after shelling out money to buy or see it. The studio quickly makes massive amounts of profit due to the low cost of obtaining the film.

     

    Thus the cost to profit ratio makes this a highly successful movie… sadly this can mean only one thing… SEQUEL!!!

  • Hipperium
    Hipperium
    Old Man
    Comments: 1

    GOOD Review,………bytheway i found a HILARUTASIC Interview with the Culprits,…. dee errr i mean Makers    

    Interviewer:”Do you feel that the low budget forced you to explore ideas that you wouldn’t perhaps previously have considered?” —–>  Ryan Thiessen:”Absolutely”        URL here : http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/40451/greg_swinson_and_ryan_thiessen_on_five_across_the_eyes.html



  • wyldfox
    wyldfox
    Old Man
    Comments: 2

    I wanted to shut the review off withing the first couple of minutes, but I felt that I should suffer even through the parts that you put in, Phelous, just because that must have been so painful to watch it fully through.

  • Markseth
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 10

    What…WHAT IS THIS???   I don’t get it.  My mind is
    muddled… I’ve lost all hope in humanity and am spiraling into
    nihilistic despair… I’m entering a Silent Hillish nightmare world from
    which there is no escape… I–WAIT…HOLD THE PHONE… I just realized
    something — WHEN YOU GET KILLED, YOU’RE DEAD…When you get killed,
    you’re dead??…When you get killed, you’re dead!!!…I understand
    now!…It all makes sense!!!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA AHA AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHA  HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! Wait–who are those men in white
    coats?…where are they taking me??…. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  NOT
    AGAIN!!!!!  CURSE YOU PHELOUS AND YOU’RE INSANITY INDUCING
    MOVIESSSSS!!!……..

  • dr_mayus
    Old Man
    Comments: 4

    Phelous I bet you miss reviewing Pulse films now don’t you.

  • Speedwagon33
    Speedwagon33
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 6

    Maybe if everyone in the world denies its existence enough, it will disappear?

  • psychosilpelit
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 10

    ….yeah im rooting for the crazy woman.hope she kills them all then herself

  • ZekyZek
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 20

    Great review Phelous, you are probably my favorite of TGWTG.
    I just realized that you didn’t die once again, are you even real Phelous anymore?

  • InternalDemons
    Old Man
    Comments: 3

    Phelous good review as always and I could really tell you were trying to put some energy in this movie. IT looks boring and you look bored the whole time. Did you have to snort a bunch of cocaine to stay awake. Normally I would not condone drug use but in your case and in the shit you have to watch. Its ok Phelous Its ok. Get stoned as drunk as possible to forget this horrible thing. Fuck watching people die at nursing homes has to be more detrimental for you than the movies you review.

    But I thank you for watching this shit for me. I know I shouldn’t be making suggestions on here. But Give the Movie Hangman’s Curse a try its too horrible for words to even describe.

  • QuetzaDrake
    QuetzaDrake
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 38

    Okay, so since this movie is literally nothing, I refuse to have an opinion about it to save my heart from the trauma.

    Instead I will just comment that your subversion of the Doctor Who line was brilliant, I loved it. Kinda glad you went with Three, cause I was one of those sappy unmanly people who sobbed at that awful audience-manipulating line. (Goddamnit, Davies, you knew we would cry, you puppetmaster!)

  • geddyb
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 20

    Holy Shit!  This movie was filmed really close to my home! Of course, any jackass could film this in their backyard.   Actually, I think Evil Dead was filmed there too… Who in the hell would think to shit in their hand to use as a weapon against a pursing vehicle?  They must be UT girls…

  • geddyb
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 20

    yo

  • broken_car
    broken_car
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 9

    Stupid insane lady, she should’ve killed those stupid crying girls with no sense of direction and save us from this garbage so called ”movie”…my God…how can someone create something like that piece of shit?! A fuckin’ retarded child with a camera can think of something more useful or even less painful than that.

    Phelous…you’re a brave man, lol…be able to watch that shitty movie and still survive to review it., brave man, brave man indeed, lol.

     

    Awesome review, as always!! I love your videos!!

  • Razorgeist
    Razorgeist
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 35

    Wow that movie movie was so bad it made you’re review unpleasent to watch. Im not saying that as a dis man, it was not your fault this was just painful to watch.

    • Phelous
      Phelous
      Administrator
      Comments: 618

      Oh I know it was painful… I wasn’t lying about it giving me a headache with the shaky cam and cry/whine combo through the whole damn run time.

  • GODCONVOYPRIME
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 36

    Fucking awesome Phelous! You used the 11th doctor style theme intro! What are youre thoughts on the christmas special and trailer for season 6? Oh and as always great vid!

  • ggbhtg
    ggbhtg
    CUUUUT
    Comments: 68

    To qoute Rita Repulsa: “I have a headache!”.

    Are there MP3s of your Opening/Ending themes?

  • moviebuffmel90
    moviebuffmel90
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 22

    I can officialy never get that shot of shit hitting the windsheild out of my head. If that doesn’t sum up this garbage, I don’t know what else does…oh wait, I know. The friggen whining and crying.

    I never thought something so horribuf*ckus could exist. But to my surprise…it does….

  • Jorda75
    Jorda75
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 27

    I think this movie more than any other before it proves that Phelous suffers for us all. I can’t even call this a movie, it’s like a high school film project gone horribly, horribly wrong.
    I’m glad you survived this Phelous, whatever comes next can’t be as bad as this crap!

  • Phoenixfirex
    Phoenixfirex
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 10

    This is what i think of this piece of… Unspeakable Horror

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ESTRqS4jNM

     

    (The *Cough*Movie*Cough* of course, not the review)

  • tlaloc4kids
    tlaloc4kids
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 17

    Did you actually film yourself watching it the first time or was that scripted in?  I think it would be fun (for us) to see your reactions to watching these horrible films for the first time.  AU NATURALE.

  • cloud520
    cloud520
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 5

    Best. Skit. Ever.

  • JDB15
    JDB15
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 16

    My thoughts when they keep talking (espectially @ 2:21-2:36):

     

     

    Sumed up by George Carlin

  • predalienking6
    predalienking6
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 6

    somebody gave this movie, HA “MOVIE”. 4/5 stars.
    he said that it’s extremely suspenseful, that making a movie on so low budget (probably just gas money and coffee, is what he says) just makes it that much better, that it’s pure and raw due to the claustrophobic videography, and finally the fact that it’s not full of glorified gore is just awesome.
    he even compares having the gore off screen to the original texas chainsaw massacre. HOLY HELL!!!

    I can’t see anybody thinking that way about this film EVER.

    I could probably word this better in a spoken conversation but this should probably get the point across.

    • JDB15
      JDB15
      NewbieDotCom.Com
      Comments: 16

      Well, sounds like that person has lost all credibility in reviewing films. (Unless he or she is joking and being sarcastic)

  • Fanglightwind
    Fanglightwind
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 10

    wow what a lame movie only enteramnet i got out of it was your reecament of the film that was so funny i  couldnt stop luafing

  • keeganbdouglass
    keeganbdouglass
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 15

    This looks like it could be “Driving Around at Night: The Movie 2”.

  • Dejablue
    Dejablue
    CUUUUT
    Comments: 65

    Also I love the ending skit more than the actual review lol.  And …this movie has an annoying theme song. Sounds like it belongs in a cartoon not a slasher movie.

  • BlueCurse60
    BlueCurse60
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 34

    EEEEEEICH! I’M GOING THE WRONG WAY AGAIN!

    No gps could have saved them. What a shame, j/k.

  • likalaruku
    likalaruku
    Completely Useless Now
    Comments: 910

    I almost forgot how annoying this movie was.

    Love how you recap the whole movie in 1 minute using the Teen Girl Squad voice. XD

  • WolfQueen87
    WolfQueen87
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 10
  • ltspock
    ltspock
    Old Man
    Comments: 3

    When you said the girl shit in her hand to throw at the other car i thought you were joking. But once that fact was proven i actually jumped to the illogical conclusion that since this film’s budget was apparently so low, that they must have used their actual shit. Most people including myself wouldnt ever assume something like that… But somehow after looking at the quality of the movie i just sort of accepted that somehow, for a moment, without even a second thought. Like ” oh yeah fake shit is probably way out of their budget”

  • Mills
    Mills
    Old Man
    Comments: 4

    Holy crap…just watching the clips in the review gave me a headache.

    How did you manage to watch the whole movie without suffering a massive brain hemorrhage?