32 Comments

  • Octo Seven
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 37

    I love this and the last title card, really awesome. Not watched vid yet so I will comment on that when I do lol.

  • RUcussingwithme
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 10

    Oh god this movie. THIS. FUCKING. MOVIE.

     

    Oh but Phelous is a vampire.  Phracula im guessing? lol

  • Octo Seven
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 37

    Brilliant review! Michael Madsen gif/loop thing is hilarious, especially with that 80’s synth music. Nice Monty Python and the Holy Grail rendition too. And the after-credits gag was hilarious. 

  • SailorRipley
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 7

    Nice saddle, where did you get it? Did you buy it just for this review or do you actually own a horse?

  • Irksum
    Irksum
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 5

    Wow!  I didn’t even get to the review before I was laughing my ass off.  Dat Title Card!  I give this review $17 out of 5, with a triple Madsen Face of Approval.

  • Tom
    Tom
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 5

    You may already know this, but the lines about crossing the water being harmful to vampires actually does kind of make sense.  In a lot of classic vampire literature one of the vampires weakness is an inability to cross running water, it’s just not often that anything current mentions that weakness since, well, it doesn’t make much sense and is kind of stupid.  Even so, it is pretty dumb that they contradict the rules of their own movie by having other vampires crossing the river in boats after establishing that the running water weakness applies in this world…

     

    Unrelated: I couldn’t help but notice that there is still a Mortal Komedy link in the site footer, and when you click it you just get an empty section, since all the videos have been moved elsewhere.  Guess you forgot to change it when you were changing the links at the top of the page?

    • SsnakeBite
      SsnakeBite
      CUUUUT
      Comments: 76

      About the water thng, wasn’t it originally only holy water and it then evolved into any kind of water? I remember the Soul Reaver games also had that thing about water killing vampires and it confused the shiiieeeet out of me. Also, amusingly enough in the Vampire, the Masquerade lore, vampires can go into water just fine, but fire, on the other hand, is almost immediately lethal.

  • astrakhan
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 8

    What’s a fairy tale? Just a ninja.

  • cronosmantas
    cronosmantas
    Old Man
    Comments: 1

    I was dying for you to review the Bloodrayne film series… my prayers have been answered!

  • Jimrabbit
    Jimrabbit
    Old Man
    Comments: 1

    A Meatloaf Aday keeps the doctor away

  • likalaruku
    likalaruku
    Completely Useless Now
    Comments: 910

    That old guy is a stone gargoyle of an actor. Animatronics would have been a humorous improvement.

    Rayne: Bad dialogue, bad acting, bad accent.

    Not sure which would be harder to sit through; all of the Blood Rayne movies or the last 3 Resident Evil movies.

    Well, I’ll give it one thing; Rayne looks like she does in the game. Most movies can’t be assed to get the costume & hair color right.

  • ninjadnice
    ninjadnice
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 25

    Great review. When did the channel awesome sound thingy change? I hope someone in part two has a damn shot gun so I can hear my favorite sound clip of the year! 

  • Rakmi
    Rakmi
    CUUUUT
    Comments: 78

    Well, the “this is the work of a young vampire” does make some sense. Older vampires probably don’t go on chaotic killing sprees.

  • Original_Outcast
    Original_Outcast
    Old Man
    Comments: 3

    As a Longtime fan of the BloodRayne Videogames It was Great Review but I’m suprised you didnt mention that the Topless Vampire ladies in Meatloaf’s Scene were real Prostitutes from Romania that Boll Paid to be Extras in the film or that Geradine Chaplin (Charlie Chaplin’s Daughter) was the Fortune Teller.

  • wetman
    CUUUUT
    Comments: 69

    While I don’t care for this movie, phelous’ jokes seemed as bland as the performance. Idk, when half the laughs are phelous  mugging and the other half are the names he comes up with for the characters, it all just seems as rushed and half-assed as the movie.

    Wait…could that have been intentional?

    …nah

  • obsolete
    obsolete
    Prodigy Pet Gym Leader
    Comments: 122

    hahaha madsen’s gif was brilliant 

  • Voltekka
    Voltekka
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 6

    You joke, but I’m 99% sure Madsen was asleep. There’s no other explanation.

  • kagesonofbaator
    kagesonofbaator
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 8

    Is there a goofy commentary track or funny version to this masterpiece?

  • Drain
    Drain
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 9

    Another nice review Phelous. I also liked the games(And not just for Rayne’s sexy ass outfits) but found the movies to be UTTER CRAP. This bastard didn’t even try. He basically just threw his own shit together and loosely used some names from the Bloodrayne video games so that the title alone would draw views.(No one would have ever given a shit about this crap if it didn’t have Bloodrayne on the title) It is downright embarassing how bad his game movies are. It wasn’t until movie THREE in this series that he even decided to attempt to have a plot relevant to one of the games. But I never saw his third failure in this series. After the garbage that is the Bloodrayne 1+2 movies, I cringed upon hearing about a third and never went near it. I’ll be looking forward to your review of it though.

    Since you hit House of the Dead I am glad you’re finally hitting Bloodrayne too. I would have also suggested Alone in the Dark but Doug with Linkara and Spoony already reviewed that PoS.

  • Cornwind Evil
    Cornwind Evil
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 9

    Poor Phelous. He used to die at the end of his reviews. Now he gets stabbed and blown up and doesn’t even get that, just more terrible horror films.

  • dreazie
    Old Man
    Comments: 1

    I’m posting because I’m watching Nostalgia Critic videos… and now this Phelous video… and I’m sick of the way the video stops playing after one of those damnable ads.  Seriously fix it… I’m tired of starting over your videos and trying to find the place I was at.  I’m sure you don’t care, I’m clicking up a storm over here and watching your damn ads.  Isn’t that nice of me?

     

    Next, I would like to point out that your credibility as a vampiric reviewer is sorely damaged by your apparent lack of vampire lore.  Vampires die underwater and they cannot cross water even in a boat unless there is a box full of soil from a graveyard or soil from their homeland they can get inside of.  Like Count Dracula did in that book called Dracula… by Bram Stoker.  Something most vampire nerds have read at least 100 times.  Also, if you had ever played a game of Dungeons and Dragons, you would have found that out from the Monster Manual.

     

    Just what kind of nerd are you?  I am mad.  That is all.

     

    Dreazie

  • HookupsJZA
    HookupsJZA
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 12

    has there ever been a movie where Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t play a grumpy bitch??

  • paintedwallpaper
    paintedwallpaper
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 9

    Water affects witches, not vampires.  Thank god i don’t have to watch this movie now.  A++ for your use of herbie hancock.  this movie doesn’t seem faithful to the game, vampire mythology, its own mythology, anything.  by bringing its awfulness to the light of day, it should be destroyed, unless it follows its own rules, in such case it can only be killed by a silver bullet.

  • FM
    Just might make the CUT
    Comments: 42

    I think that the actors simply KNEW how shit Boll is and that the script was complete ass.

    Hence they just thought: “hey free money, I do not even have to act. Boll is such a moron he will never know the difference”

    … and indeed Boll did not notice his actors did not give a shit and just read the lines in the laziest way possible.

  • M Chambers
    CUUUUT
    Comments: 67

    Good Lord! This was the second Uwe Boll film I ever saw and after about 20 minutes I just shut it off!!!

    I didn’t even realize Gandhi, Meatloaf and Mr. Blonde were in this.┬áSeriously? Ben Kingsley is a respected actor starring in major motion pictures. Why why?