32 Comments

  • Maleimar
    Maleimar
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 12

    *gasp* It’s Boombox-D1, what a twiiiiiiiiiiiiist!

    Hm, but since they were turned into magical instruments… does that mean there was a Rasputin-Warlock in this movie but just off-screen so to speak? What a off-screen-rip-off!

  • Knightroglycerin
    Knightroglycerin
    Fighting Steffi Love
    Comments: 167

    I figured out the secret about 15 minutes into the review. Also, pretty sure violin-girl is a cello or a bass. And no, Phelous-D1 cat cameo? boo 🙁

  • BJamesBambiMan
    BJamesBambiMan
    Old Man
    Comments: 4

    Tubby the Tuba Meets Beauty and the Beast meets Frozen didn’t turn out as well as the guy who was on quaaludes may have thought it would. MY GOD! Also, the instruments got all wet from the snow, they’re completely useless now! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

  • Xane
    Old Man
    Comments: 3

    At least with The Secret of the HUnchback, they seemed to be going for a religious message with their stupid secret. This is just… I can’t even…

  • Aethelred
    Aethelred
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 31

    Coming up on the hundredth anniversary of the February Revolution. So, which monarchist parasite has been more romanticized, Anastasia or Marie Antoinette?

  • rodro
    rodro
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 34

    Well, this Secret was disappointing… in addition to a pretty obvious secret from the very beginning. Hopefully the Secret of Mulan will be more entertaining, at least I remember the cover looked pretty crazy.

    • Anno Nimus
      Anno Nimus
      Just might make the CUT
      Comments: 40

      I would think Mulan’s secret is also pretty obvious, given how the story goes.

      • Occam
        Occam
        A Real Turtles Fighter
        Comments: 26

        Unless they go for the old DOUBLE-twist! Chevalier d’Eon, anyone?

      • Lucy May
        NewbieDotCom.Com
        Comments: 5

        I’ve never seen it, but I’m calling it now: the secret will be that the Chinese army was entirely composed of cross-dressing women the whole time.

        • Occam
          Occam
          A Real Turtles Fighter
          Comments: 26

          Like in “Monstrous Regiment”?

          …I’m starting to think this is an overused trope.

          • OrangeRider
            OrangeRider
            The Fuct of Pepsiman
            Comments: 228

            Spoiler Alert: The Secret of Mulan is that she was a butterfly the entire time. I’m not joking.

            Also, is it just me or do the titles of UAV’s “The Secret of” movies remind me of internet clickbait?

             

  • SailorSlamDunk
    SailorSlamDunk
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 28

    7:36–Calling it now; the instruments are sentient because they’re really her deceased family.

    [A viewing later] And then the rest of the feature later makes that so obvious. Shucks, and I thought I was ahead of the curve.

    On an entirely unrelated note, the moment the music started up for the villain song I physically felt my life force wither and die. Goodbye, everybody!

  • Occam
    Occam
    A Real Turtles Fighter
    Comments: 26

    Well, Nicholas II (whom that looks nothing like–it’s closer to Alexander III, if anyone) was actually a fairly decent person, apparently, the problems arose from increasing industrialization and social unrest from rising liberal sentiments, the ones which had led to the emancipation of the serfs and assassination of Alexander II not terribly long before, his isolation from the population (partially due to his fawning over his hemophiliac son and the subsequent entry of Rasputin), his insistence on autocracy, and…

    No, never mind, this movie doesn’t deserve a serious intellectual discussion.

    • Occam
      Occam
      A Real Turtles Fighter
      Comments: 26

      Also, technically Anastasia was a “grand princess”; it was just that no such equivalent title existed in English. This was to differentiate her from the “Prince” and “Princess” that were lesser titles of nobility in the Russian Empire (read some Tolstoy or Dostoevsky and you’ll find multiples of them).

    • Quan Chi
      Quan Chi
      A Real Turtles Fighter
      Comments: 34

      Yeah, by most accounts NIcholas II was a decent man, for the time. He was just disastrously incompetent and insulated by his conservative views. Unfortunately, he sincerely bought into the “divine right of kings” doctrine, hampering his ability to reform the empire. A shame, really. If things had turned out differently, and Russia had evolved into a constitutional monarchy like the United Kingdom, it would arguably be better off today.

      But yeah, it’s weird talking about this in the comment section for this movie.

  • likalaruku
    likalaruku
    Completely Useless Now
    Comments: 719

    I like how she looks like Ariel dressed in Cinderella’s rags until she puts on Belle’s dress. & I like how the dowager empress looks like a fat version of the stepmother from Cinderella too.

    Fairy tales love to perpetuate the myth that royalty had any say in who they married. You keep it in the family & marry your cousin, missy!

  • snorgatch
    snorgatch
    Bat Hero
    Comments: 93

    How exactly did Anastasia’s mother, father, brother and sister get turned into musical instruments? Is this ever explained? Is this just a thing that happens in this world? And what about her other two sisters? Why didn’t they get turned into instruments? Were they just not good enough? Or were they the drums the tuba smashed at the beginning? “Whoops! Sorry, Olga and Maria! You’re dead for realsies now!”

  • lunabuna
    Just might make the CUT
    Comments: 59

    Oh my god, I was laughing my head off this entire review, Phelous. XD XD I can’t even quote my favorite part; everything was amazing.

    I was ooing and awing over the animation and then realized it wasn’t actually that good. I’m just that disheartened by Dingo Pictures films. That’s bottom of the barrel right there.

  • Iudsaen
    NewbieDotCom.Com
    Comments: 9

    So… was Gen. Ikonovich in the suitcase the whole twenty years? Because if he was just for THAT train journey then there’s some pretty terrible implications:

    Anyone Loyal enough to the Tsar (or with enough hatred of the communists) to still be addressing himself as a general in the Tsarist army after twenty years probably would have been fighting in the resistance against the Red army… you know, the White army? The army notorious for vicious anti-Semitic massacres, war rape and other horrific atrocities? It would eplain where he got the snazzy uniform from…

    • Iudsaen
      NewbieDotCom.Com
      Comments: 9

      *Explain

      Also I’m aware most of them were wiped out as a operating military on June 16th 1923, but they still had contacts outside of Russia in the Balkans and did actually fight a guerilla resistance right up until the Nazis invaded. (Some of them are alleged to have even aided the Nazis with information). So, yeah, I guess I’m saying Ikonovich is either a guy who lived in a suitcase for twenty years with his fingers in his ears and not showering, or was potentially a war rapist. either was, great catch Anastasia!

  • penpaninu
    penpaninu
    Just might make the CUT
    Comments: 58

    No not Phelous D-1!

     

    I appreciate the real historical tidbits you threw in about the Romanov family, as well as finding Anastasia’s remains in 2007.

    And WOW I can honestly say I was not expecting that strange ending 😛 Way to boggle my mind, Dingo pictures! >_<  (who wrote this??)

  • OrangeRider
    OrangeRider
    The Fuct of Pepsiman
    Comments: 228

    I’m so glad that the UAV Corporation never made The Secret of the Holocaust. Imagine how offensive it would be.

  • OrangeRider
    OrangeRider
    The Fuct of Pepsiman
    Comments: 228

    From a teenager who just finished the WWI/Russian Revolution Unit in her World History II Class, I was offended by the plot twist of this movie.

  • Lermont
    CUUUUT
    Comments: 68

    Oh shit, son! Is that the amazing Russian bootleg “TMNT vs./meet/and X” series? Those things were baffling, cool and hilarious to read. They are basically fanfiction where the author inserts the turtles as the main heroes into a western movie that is usually completely inappropriate for the child audience it’s aimed at, such as: Alien, Predator, Phantasm, Nightmare on Elm Street and many more! I hope you find some way to review those.

    Also believe it or not, being “too nice” was one of the problems of Nikolai the second — he was seen as weak due to his kindness, to the point some called him “Nikolai the spineless”. Being ruthless is something Russians always appreciated about their rulers.